Three things on Thursday

So it's been a long time since I've updated.  There are lots of reasons for this.  I think the easiest thing to do is to list them:

Reason #1: Three kids

I can't find enough space in a day to get my thoughts together to get them in writing, and after the kids are in bed, I... well.. I go to bed.  So there's that.  We are at the end of a long winter break: two glorious weeks of crazy family holiday excitement punctuated with long afternoons on the couch watching the original Star Wars trilogy with Anna and Andrew while Sam napped for 4 hours at a time.  We party hard, we crash hard.  We are at my mom's today on the most dreary winter day I've ever seen, we are all in deep hibernation mode, and I thought I'd try to sneak away to tell you what is up with our adoption journey.

Reason #2: GrandPapa died

My heart aches just typing this.  It was a beautiful goodbye that I will always treasure deep in my heart.  We were able to walk him right to the end of the road, singing and holding his hands.  He wore socks I made him for Christmas.  I would want nothing less for a man I loved so much and that I was so fortunate to enjoy not only as a wonderful grandfather, but also as a trusted friend. 

Reason #3: The Referral Process is more complicated than we anticipated

Our Dossier arrived in China in September and was translated and accepted in October.  China has us on a list of prospective families "waiting to be matched."  

Since Thanksgiving, we have reviewed four files.  Held four precious girls in our hearts.  Considered how they might be ours.  And none of them will be.  

The reasons for this are difficult and feel very private, so I won't share them here.  We have made agonizing decisions and had them made for us.  It has taken us back to the bedrock of what we believe about God and adoption and our role and how faith plays a part in all of this.  

We are acutely aware of our privilege.  We are painfully aware of the vulnerability of these children.  We hold this with great humility, and hope we will honor these Daughters of God in this.  

It's a fresh grief every time.  I feel the loss every time.  Their names echo in the empty room in my heart where my daughter will live.  And I hold this grief close, because they are worth it.  Each of these children, though they will not be my daughters, are valuable and loved by God, and so will be loved and grieved by me.  I will hold the hope of their future families just as dear. 

My word(s) for 2020 are "hold together."  I will hold together pain and gratitude, grief and hope, faith and uncertainty.  We hope that 2020 is the year when we can bring our daughter home, for good. 

Happy New Year

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17