Deep Breath

I have this wonderful, very wise friend who is an expert at seeing things from both sides.  Whenever I talk to him about stuff, he is always saying "On the one hand... but on the other hand..."  Drives me crazy.

That's the way it is all over our lives right now.  On the one hand, I have thoughts of our daughter and of the adoption process swirling through my mind every day.  Has she been born yet?  Where is she living?  Are her needs known to someone?  Where will we be in the process this time next year?  The year after that? (Man, that feels like a long way away...)

On the other hand, too much of that makes me crazy, so I give it back to God, try to tuck it in neatly in the adoption corner of my brain and heart, and embrace the place where we are now: parenting three kids and waiting for our fourth.  We don't want to waste it by missing where we are.  

And adoption is not the only place we are experiencing this wicked back-and-forth.  The holidays are here.  We already have our tree, and tomorrow we go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving dinner with (not) all the family.  

On the one hand, our grief of Adam is every day.  We keep saying it's like standing in the ocean.  It comes in waves.  They pass.  Sometimes they take you down.  But you are never really dry when you are standing in the ocean.  We all feel a little nervous as we move towards a month full of family time and memories.  Maybe it will all bring comfort, but it will certainly be sad.  

On the other hand, grief doesn't erase all joy.  Thank God for our kids, they bring the joy pretty hard.  And my parents are finding joy in their new farm, which brings us all joy AND relief.  It is such a blessing to watch their happy moments.  

No matter which hand I'm focusing on at the time, I remember that God is there.  He is with my daughter far away, and He is working in my children who are with me now.  God walks with us through our grief, and His grace paves the way for new joys. 

As I face the coming days, I'm trying hard to breathe in the moment, and the presence of God in that moment, whether grief or joy.  I'm so glad He's there.